Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!