Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

Strangers have the best candy.

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos