[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
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Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Me My dog
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK