[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
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he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I think this cat is broken
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea