Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

me, too, girl. me, too.

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

Happy thanksgiving

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.