[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
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Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
How your email finds me
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??