Death certificates are our last participation award.
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[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.