Death certificates are our last participation award.
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*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Pickled cat.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.