Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

My mom texting me from an anime convention

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it