Death certificates are our last participation award.
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You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.