*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
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“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Home #decor warning.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen