Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bugs when you lift up a rock

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for