*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
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Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
our love story in four pictures
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department