@iamspacegirl

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

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@TheAlexP

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

@Iwriteforcats

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

@LorieGZ

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

@PLATINUM2000

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

@MooseAllain

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

@Staggfilms

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

@Jez1

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

@SteveKoehler22

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

@xysist

If Kim and Kanye name their next kid North West again, we can comfortably refer to the two as One Direction.