[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
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Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
If Kim and Kanye name their next kid North West again, we can comfortably refer to the two as One Direction.