*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
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broke down and did it
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.