Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
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Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
“Huge”.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
me logging onto twitter
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Cat or sheep
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
OH. COME. ON.
