Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.