Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
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Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.