Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
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presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
