Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
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You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths