@DothTheDoth

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

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@solsayswhaaa

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

@ThugRaccoons

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

@MarfSalvador

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

@jonesination

“The Ugly Duckling” has a great message.

Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.

@Kryzazy

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

@Parkerlawyer

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

@jnrbtsn

I’m far too cute to only have one ex-husband.