Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
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Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
when you don’t want to be too vague
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Every BBC series about the universe.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.