death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
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*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
#dalle2
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.