Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too