Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
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I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
OH. COME. ON.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.