Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
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Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.