Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!