Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

Saturday

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

What I said: please stop letting flies in.

What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.