*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
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[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
A fake ID that makes you younger
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG