Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.