Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy