@KingsnorthAP

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

You Might Also Like

@Jenny4ashley

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

@JohnLyonTweets

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

@WheelTod

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

@Cyd10e

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

@Howiesbookclub

Puts an “I love Daddy” shirt on my kids until they’re old enough to read.

@singwithTaffy

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

@joejwest

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

@anerdonfire2

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

@joryjohn

[Baby crying in a movie theater]
Me: “What’s his name?”
Parent: “Ethan.”
Me: “The movie’s starting, Ethan.”