@KingsnorthAP
@Jenny4ashley
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
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@Jenny4ashley
@JohnLyonTweets
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
@WheelTod
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
@Cyd10e
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
@Howiesbookclub
Puts an “I love Daddy” shirt on my kids until they’re old enough to read.
@singwithTaffy
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
@joejwest
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
@anerdonfire2
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
@Reverend_Scott
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
@joryjohn
[Baby crying in a movie theater]
Me: “What’s his name?”
Parent: “Ethan.”
Me: “The movie’s starting, Ethan.”