Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

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Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?


A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.


If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen


Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.


Puts an “I love Daddy” shirt on my kids until they’re old enough to read.


I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous


ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]


Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine


[Baby crying in a movie theater]
Me: “What’s his name?”
Parent: “Ethan.”
Me: “The movie’s starting, Ethan.”