Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
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…..pretty much.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
*watches the world burn*
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself