Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
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Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
She might be a genius
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
When your diet is finally over.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.