Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.