Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

here we go again

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy