[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
You Might Also Like
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
#parenting
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Realize this:
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
More like Kate Missington.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.