Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.