Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together