Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.