@brynnester

[Death Row]
Guard: Before we put you in the electric chair what would you like to eat for your last meal?
Me: The electric chair please
Guard: But…

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@withanewname

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

@Loving_Life1996

We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn’t stay alive.

@PhuckedCody

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

@Canadian_Cutie_

Him: do you swallow

Me: Yes

*walks away mumbling. How else do you think I eat. Idiot

@briancthayer

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

@MsanthropyVani

Them: Help! A poisonous snake bit me!
Me: oh shit. Umm. So. The word you’re looking for is venemous. Don’t feel bad, it’s a common mistake.

@scot7a

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

@sophielou

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun