me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
You Might Also Like
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I will never stop laughing at this
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”