@brynnester

[Death Row]
Guard: Before we put you in the electric chair what would you like to eat for your last meal?
Me: The electric chair please
Guard: But…

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@QwertyJones3

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

@good2go013

Canada has seasons:

Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.

@Fred_Delicious

“guns don’t kill people, guns CREATE people!”
*fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*

@miilkkk

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

@karenphotog

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

@Darlainky

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

@krishna_van

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

@Dis0beyJay

[ First Date ]

Her: So you’re a MMA fighter?

* flashback to me kickboxing a mannequin at Nordstrom’s *

Me: Yea, I’m still training

@Smooheed

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit