I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring