Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Catering service

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.