Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

Love it! 👍😂

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

me before I type out affect or effect

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

biblically accurate fire hydrant

Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?

Me: I saw the sign

F: …

Me: And it opened up my eyes

F: Oh no.

Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??