Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

Yup….perfect score!