[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
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When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
When you’ve simply given up.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon