Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

Omg 🤣

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!