Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

Something Saturday.

How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:

Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

When they try to steal your moment.

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.