[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
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Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.