Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

Everyone’s family

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.