Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

My typo game is string.

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.