Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

Maths meets science

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.