[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
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My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
our love story in four pictures
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!