Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

ㅤ

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel