Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

finally

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man