Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

Plumber: I think I found the problem

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

A small tragedy.

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!

Onion rings.