Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

Banana is the quietest snack

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be