Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
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Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec