Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.