Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.