Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

O Wise One….

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

this independent good boy don’t need no human

⚠️ Important Reminder:

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?