Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.