DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.


VADER: Star bucks.

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Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.


Counting to ten after someone pisses you off gives you time to think of somewhere to bury them.


Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.


just became the pop-tarts CEO and let’s just say I hope you guys like mayonnaise


[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.


BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive


A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.


I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.


Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*