DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
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[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
me, too, girl. me, too.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.