Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
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Counting to ten after someone pisses you off gives you time to think of somewhere to bury them.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
just became the pop-tarts CEO and let’s just say I hope you guys like mayonnaise
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*