DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.


VADER: Star bucks.

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“Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $57!”
-Every attorney apparently


Someone needs to teach these birds outside my window how to sleep in


Will someone please surgically remove this bag of chips from my hand


Garden of Eden pssshht, you’re gonna need cheese and not an apple to tempt me.


GF: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

ME: That’ll be great, we really need the beds


Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.


Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.


Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*


Someone just told me that they hate bacon…

I can’t even find words…

It’s like someone just murdered a rainbow.


I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.