@pdxjohnny99

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

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@robfee

“Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $57!”
-Every attorney apparently

@DaddyJew

Someone needs to teach these birds outside my window how to sleep in

@RSun82

Will someone please surgically remove this bag of chips from my hand

@sweetmomissa

Garden of Eden pssshht, you’re gonna need cheese and not an apple to tempt me.

@ArfMeasures

GF: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

ME: That’ll be great, we really need the beds

@elunatyk

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

@Desert_Musings

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

@SteussieErica

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

@drinksmcgee

Someone just told me that they hate bacon…

I can’t even find words…

It’s like someone just murdered a rainbow.

@Tmoney68

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.