“Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $57!”
-Every attorney apparently
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
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Someone needs to teach these birds outside my window how to sleep in
Will someone please surgically remove this bag of chips from my hand
Garden of Eden pssshht, you’re gonna need cheese and not an apple to tempt me.
GF: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
ME: That’ll be great, we really need the beds
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Someone just told me that they hate bacon…
I can’t even find words…
It’s like someone just murdered a rainbow.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.