DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
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kevin is now a local weatherman
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Me in tagged photos
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.