Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
You Might Also Like
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
old twitter is back baby
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.