Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
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Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10