Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

At least my masseuse has my back.

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass