Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol

Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.

Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!