Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.