Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

The Backseat Boys

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though