Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
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*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.