live long and prosper!
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*widow rolls eyes*
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it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
wife:We have more than one
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house