*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
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Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
They got a point!
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.