*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
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Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?