*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
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*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
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Facebook memories be like
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
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“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
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ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
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ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
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Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.