[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
