[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
